Oct 14, 2011

Heavy blankets.

Sometimes life can be very awful. Still reeling with the horror of our friend's death last week we found out on Wednesday H her partner, who has been battling to stay alive since the accident died.  Loosing both of them is just unfathomable. How can we lose two friends in one week? We feel as if they have vanished from the earth, been plucked from thin air never to be seen again, without warning and with no chance to say goodbye.When S died their was so much hope that H would make it, we were scared for her as they had been together so long and we wondered how she would ever cope with the death of her partner. But we also know she is a tough as nails Kiwi Woman and she has so many friends and family members wanting to support her and love her and give her everything. 


The thing about this kind of grief is the shock of it, there was no warning, no build up, no crisis leading to it. Just loss. It feels as if I have the heaviest of blankets across my shoulders and I feel like I am almost bent over. I have no appetite and when I do eat everything just tastes the same. It gets worse at night when I dream about accidents and funerals and people dying, and when I lay awake in the darkness crying everything just feels worse. I feel unable to make the simplest of decisions and am easily startled. Waves of sadness pass over me where all I can do is cry. I feel like I am breathing from my throat not my chest. I am hearing voices of those around me crying and it makes my heart hurt so much I feel as if it may stop beating for a moment. I think about their parents and families and it hurts so much..... And then I am laughing at a work colleague in an afro and fake beard, at a funny story and feeling completely fine and really not surprised and how I feel ok and that I feel I am talking myself into feeling this awful and maybe I should make myself feel better by trying not to think about it so much, but then I feel like I need to think about it to process what I am trying to understand. 


It scares me to think about what would happen to Busy if something were to happen to us. We have written Wills and made arrangements for her but when your mind goes to that place its sometimes hard to bring it back. We talk about funeral arrangements for ourselves and that we need to be clear about everything and make sure other people know these details.


I know death is part of life. I know it is not fair. But I don't understand the indiscriminate nature of our lives. Who gets to live who gets to die. Who gets to have a baby , who doesn't. Who gets to live a long happy life, who has a life filled with tragedy, who gets a healthy baby, who gets a sick one, who has a fast death and who has a slow death. Who has happiness and who has sadness.  Who finds the partner they were always meant to be with and who never does? I know it is indiscriminate and I have always spent far to much time thinking about this indiscriminate way we live but the events of the last week have left me confused about why this happened to them and why now. There is no reason, there is no "everything happens for a reason" which would have to be one of the most annoying and frustrating things anyone could ever say to me- there is no reason why two happy healthy loving women died far from home during a birthday celebration. There is no reason.... so why did it happen? I am haunted by the Why? 

30 comments:

  1. I am so sorry about both your friends, having something awful happen like that does not seem fair at all. It does however give us perspective, it provides time for reflection, I hope those moments go some way towards providing you comfort. Take care xx

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  2. Oh Cath. My heart is heavy with you. What a shocking waste. I *get* where you're at - my Dad died 8 weeks ago. Just go with it, I'm finding. Feel what you have to. Do what you have to. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And I don't ever think we get that question answered. Hang in there. J x

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  3. One day at a time. That is all we really have.

    Pray to God, he will listen and he understands what is in your heart, even when you don't.

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  4. Oh Cath, wish I could say something that would help. There are no words though. One foot in front of the other. Thinking of you. Cxxx

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  5. I've just stopped by your blog and I'm saddened by what you've been going through this past week - losing two dear friends in such a short space of time is so horribly unthinkable =-(

    When Death happens I remember a line from the movie "The Hours" when Leonard asks Virginia "Why must the Poet die?"

    "The Poet must die so the others will value Life more."

    I think this might be the true reason for the unfairness of it all; in the meantime, I second Jane's advice and recommend you let the feelings flow, whatever and whenever they are. My sincere condolences to you.

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  6. It never makes any sense, I'm so sorry for your loss, I don't know what to say..thinking of you, take care..x

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  7. There is no rhyme or reason when it comes to death. and nothing anyone says will make it fair. When I lost my dad, I was so angry at how unfair it was. Like your situation, there was no warning, just loss. All I can say is, allow yourself time. You have every right to feel everything you are feeling right now, and down the path you'll think about these friends not with anger or sadness in your heart for having lost them, but with happiness in your heart for having know them. xx

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  8. The why will turn you inside out and take you no where.

    There is no answer.

    Life will drag you through this, with all the pain and heartache and head aches and fear. You will still come out the other side, but I have still never found an answer. Other than, life if precious, we owe it to those that left to early to make the best of it, to not waste it, to remember them.

    xx

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  9. Ah.... Cath. I have no answers, but I'm here. xx

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  10. I take no comfort in those "it happens for a reason" words either. Maybe if I had a strong enough faith, I could or would.

    It is just unbearably sad.

    Thinking of you.

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  11. It is crap. I know.

    Just know you are going through normal feelings and normal sways of emotion. GO WTH THEM and dont fight them. It will ease. Time does heal but also not fighting it...

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  12. Sh*t.
    I am so saddened to hear that she didn't pull through. Knowing that she had survived and was still there was something to hold on to.
    There is just no way to understand why this has happened. It is just so not fair. The hugest of hugs to you Cath and your husband. Much love, JXXX.

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  13. Cath, I'm so very sorry. Grief is so full on, so enormous, I just want to reach out and hug you. I so wish I had answers for you, we all do.
    xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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  14. It is one step at a time, one day at a time. And when all is a little clearer, remembering to look up at a wide sky and the dearest around you and breathing it all in.

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  15. I heard it on the news last night and thought of you. I'm so sorry.

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  16. I don't get it either Cath. I hope you find a way through, hon. take good care. Kx

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  17. Buggered if I know why. I have no answers, I just hope your heart hurts a little less each day and you start to remember their life rather and their untimely and tragic death. Its all just sad cath, just so dam sad. xx

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  18. Yes life is so crufel sometimes isn't it.
    and I don't know any of the answers.
    I get haunted by the why too.
    big love and thoughts and hugs coming to you
    xoxo
    ps I hope you know if you need to chat I'm always here

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  19. I am speechless. It is too awful to comprehend. I have no answers at all. I am sorry. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  20. The biggest of hugs to you. The "why" is the worst, I don't know if it exists. I've been thinking over and over about what you've wrote. I have no words, you have formed them for me. Not just for this loss, but for all loss and grief. Thank you for sharing your feelings, I'm sure your heavy blankets have provided comfort for others, knowing that in grief we are not alone.

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  21. Dear Cath, I am so sorry about your 2 friends. Life is just so fragile and fleeting. I never thought about it until I had kids and I quite often feel vulnerable about it. I can't imagine what you are going through right now...thinking of you and sending lots of love. xxx

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  22. Cath, the why is the hardest and there is no answer. You need to be kind to yourself now, let the feeling flow, every day will be different and hopefully each once less heavy than the one before.

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  23. Cath sometimes life just reallly sucks. There's nothing you can do about it. You have to allow yourself time to grieve, and know that this terrible weight will eventually lighten. I wish I could offer you some other words of comfort. Thinking of you.

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  24. so sorry to hear all this Cath. words seem so empty at times like this. take comfort from your family and friends. my thoughts are with you.

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  25. Very sorry for your pain and loss.

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  26. I have just been doing some catch up reading tonight while printing away & your loss brought a tear to my eye. Its also times like this when you remember how precious we all are, family & close friends especially. I hope your heavy blankets lift over time & the hurt lessens. All I can say is thank god for memories, they keep us alive. Take care, Kylie xx

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  27. I'm so sorry to hear about your friends! This life full of whys really can be a hard one to understand and just seem so horribly unfair at times.

    So much love to you at the moment xxx

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