Sometimes life can be very awful. Still reeling with the horror of our friend's death last week we found out on Wednesday H her partner, who has been battling to stay alive since the accident died. Loosing both of them is just unfathomable. How can we lose two friends in one week? We feel as if they have vanished from the earth, been plucked from thin air never to be seen again, without warning and with no chance to say goodbye.When S died their was so much hope that H would make it, we were scared for her as they had been together so long and we wondered how she would ever cope with the death of her partner. But we also know she is a tough as nails Kiwi Woman and she has so many friends and family members wanting to support her and love her and give her everything.
The thing about this kind of grief is the shock of it, there was no warning, no build up, no crisis leading to it. Just loss. It feels as if I have the heaviest of blankets across my shoulders and I feel like I am almost bent over. I have no appetite and when I do eat everything just tastes the same. It gets worse at night when I dream about accidents and funerals and people dying, and when I lay awake in the darkness crying everything just feels worse. I feel unable to make the simplest of decisions and am easily startled. Waves of sadness pass over me where all I can do is cry. I feel like I am breathing from my throat not my chest. I am hearing voices of those around me crying and it makes my heart hurt so much I feel as if it may stop beating for a moment. I think about their parents and families and it hurts so much..... And then I am laughing at a work colleague in an afro and fake beard, at a funny story and feeling completely fine and really not surprised and how I feel ok and that I feel I am talking myself into feeling this awful and maybe I should make myself feel better by trying not to think about it so much, but then I feel like I need to think about it to process what I am trying to understand.
It scares me to think about what would happen to Busy if something were to happen to us. We have written Wills and made arrangements for her but when your mind goes to that place its sometimes hard to bring it back. We talk about funeral arrangements for ourselves and that we need to be clear about everything and make sure other people know these details.
I know death is part of life. I know it is not fair. But I don't understand the indiscriminate nature of our lives. Who gets to live who gets to die. Who gets to have a baby , who doesn't. Who gets to live a long happy life, who has a life filled with tragedy, who gets a healthy baby, who gets a sick one, who has a fast death and who has a slow death. Who has happiness and who has sadness. Who finds the partner they were always meant to be with and who never does? I know it is indiscriminate and I have always spent far to much time thinking about this indiscriminate way we live but the events of the last week have left me confused about why this happened to them and why now. There is no reason, there is no "everything happens for a reason" which would have to be one of the most annoying and frustrating things anyone could ever say to me- there is no reason why two happy healthy loving women died far from home during a birthday celebration. There is no reason.... so why did it happen? I am haunted by the Why?