Aug 16, 2012

August, a time to be sad for a bit.

On Sunday morning my Grandfather died.  His name was Harold and he was a kind and funny old man. This didn't come as a shock as he decided it was time to go and his wishes were respected which was good. He died in his sleep without pain, the best possible outcome really. 

His death is complicated in a way for me because I am adopted and he was my birth grandfather. I no longer have a relationship with my birth mother as it was very complicated. ( complicated being an understatement of epic proportions) 

I met Harold and his beautiful wife and my birth grandmother Nancy when I was 18 years old. Nancy was a very special woman in my life, the anniversary of her death is next Wednesday and I feel strongly that Harold did not want to live through this anniversary again. The unconditional love I felt particularly from Nancy can never be matched and I think about her a lot in August. 

I think about how she always held my hand or stroked my arm if we were near each other, like I may disappear if she let go of me for a second. How she always told me that after I was put up for adoption, when I was born, that she and Harold said a prayer for "the baby" every night hoping that "one day she would come back" to see them and that when we did finally meet she cried and called me "the baby" for so long and how she couldn't believe "the baby" was so grown up. And how she wrote me funny letters when I was living overseas and I still have them and they are amongst my most precious things. And how she referred to coming to my uni graduation as the best day of her life, until I married Chef then that became the new best day of her life. 



On Monday it was the 10 year anniversary of my Dad's death. (My adopted Dad, although I never referred to him as that ever as he is and always will be my only Dad, ditto for my Mum.) I cannot even put into words how much I miss him nor do I even know where to start in what an amazing Dad he was to us and how much I wish I could just spend one day with him and he could meet Busy. He was a wonderful man.


Today is the anniversary of my Poppy dying. My Mum's Dad. I have so many fond memories of him when I was growing up. He used to sneak Caramello koala bears to us under the table and  sing silly songs and tickle us and play tricks on us and just be a great Poppy. I miss him too, it has been to long since I saw him.


So August is a time for quiet and peace. A time to remember those people special to me who are no longer here. I think this has been made harder this year because soon our new Baby will be born who doesn't know these people and that makes me sad. Nancy, my Dad and my Poppy all would have loved Busy so much and I wish she had of had the chance to have them in her life. This new baby misses out on all these people too. But we are lucky Busy has 3 excellent grandparents and this baby will have them too. 

So I am going to spend the next few days reading letters from Nancy and ones from my Dad too and thinking about Harold and my Poppy and hope that this sadness will leave before the end of August. 

23 comments:

  1. sorry to hear about your awful August and also about your grandfather.
    big hugs to you Cath...here's to a better September ♥

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  2. Oh no Cath - such a sad month for you and I'm truly sorry about the loss of your Grandfather. Perhaps whilst reading those treasured letters that you should write one each for your Chef, Busy & bubba in da belly & put them somewhere for the future - maybe with your will?

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  3. Oh, that's a lot of sadness :( But beautifully expressed. Maybe the new Baby will bring a little piece of all of them back into life.

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  4. So glad to know that you had such wonderful people in your life. Hugs to you. Maybe you should write some funny letters to Busy & the babe, happy funny stories of the people you were so blessed to have and love.

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  5. much love to you. What beautiful memories of cherished ones, this is a lovely tribute to special people xx

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  6. I'm in awe of your braveness & strength to share your sadness with the blogisphere, I can't quite do that. I've realised over the last 18 yrs that some of us are burdened with more sadness and grieve than others. As my mum said "life's not fair" and it isn't. I've also realised that as we learn to deal with such sadness it does make us stronger and more resilient. Kia kaha (be strong) S:)

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  7. Much love Cath, from my corner too. You have obviously been really deeply loved and you cherish that- I love it that you are 'the baby', that's gorgeous, but isn't it hard when we are lucky enough to know such good people that it means we miss them terribly when they aren't with us (and, YES- we want people we love who haven't met them to meet them, so they can know how ace each other is too).
    Take care, enjoy your memories in the middle of the sadness.

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  8. A sad month indeed. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Loosing our loved ones is so difficult and I don't believe there is ever any closure, you just find ways to cope and keep going. Wishing you a slow and gentle month. I love Nola Nova's idea of writing letters for your little ones this month. xx

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  9. biggest love to you Cath xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoox

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  10. This reminds me once again how important real letters to people are. Not an email, a text, but a real letter that is kept and special and forever. I am so glad you have them from the people who loved you and can't be with you now.

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  11. thinking of you lovely ... take care K xx

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  12. I drop in and read your blog but rarely comment Cath. These last two posts made me teary and I just wanted to say how sorry I am that your Grandfather has passed, and sending much love to you and your family. Wishing you well with the birth of your precious little baby too. Take good care x

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  13. Oh dearest girl, thank you for sharing your August with us...life is so hard sometimes isn't it...I'm so pleased you've had these special people in your life, if only for awhile...they've helped make you the person that you are...and I'm sure they were so very proud of you...take care...

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  14. It sounds like you have been blessed with so many wonderful people in your life. It's a sad, but beautiful time to sit back and reflect. May you process grief in the way and the pace that you need, and may you smile at the end of August. xx

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  15. You're right, I'm bawling.
    Hugest love and hugs and kisses to you chooky.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
    love your other adopted big bossy sister.

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  16. Oh my goodness! So much sadness for one month. I'm so sorry to hear about Harold, he and Nancy sound like they were two in a million. And your Dad of course... And Poppy too .xxxx.

    Also, I never knew you were adopted.

    Just all round very big warm hugs for you this month. ( )

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  17. Thinking of you Cath, they do sound wonderful & what precious memories you have to keep forever and pass on to your babies..x

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  18. Just read this Cath. Such beautiful memories. It must tug just that little bit more at your heartstrings with the new one on the way. Gald August is behind you now - can you feel the Spring coming? Come on, little baby!xxx

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  19. Oh Cath... I'm so sorry I missed this post. Glad to read it now though and tell you how much I feel for you and understand these anniversaries for lost loved ones. Much love hon. Kx

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  20. such a touching post filled with so many lovely memories amongst all the sadness. my condolences to you and your family x

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  21. Oh Cath. I am so sorry I am so late to reading this.

    Despite the sadness of this post, it was so beautifully written, and your children will know these wonderful people who shared your life with them, through your memories - and most of all - through you. You are surely reflections of how wonderful they are. The instrumental role each of them played/play in your life.

    I'm sorry for such a sad time. I hope September brings some sunshine and light, and that you hold tight to all those beautiful thoughts. xxx

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